As a dietitian and a mom of three, I know that mealtime dynamics can get a little… intense. You’ve probably been there: kids are hungry, dinner is served, and you’re trying to get everyone to eat their veggies (or at least TRY them) before they can even think about dessert. Sound familiar?
But what if I told you that offering dessert with dinner could actually make your life easier and help them too? Let me explain. This simple shift can create a more relaxed mealtime for the whole family, not to mention a more positive relationship with food in the long run! Let’s dive in.
The Myth of Dessert as a Reward
For many of us, the idea of dessert is tied to the concept of a “reward”—finish your veggies, and you get your treat. While this may seem like a harmless way to motivate kids to eat more nutritious foods, it can actually create some unhealthy food associations over time.
When we make certain foods off-limits, or highly restricted, like dessert, it can give them this “forbidden fruit” mentality. The more we restrict certain foods, the more tempting they become. This may lead to sneaking those foods later or even guilt and shame when kids do eat them. The key is to allow kids to enjoy dessert without the pressure or the need to “earn” it. By the way, I take the same approach when it comes to Halloween candy!
Practice The Division of Responsibility
The division of what?! If you’re unfamiliar with Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility in feeding, let me break it down for you. According to this approach:
Parents are responsible for
- what,
- when, and
- where food is offered
Kids are responsible for
- how much and
- whether they eat
This division empowers kids to listen to their own hunger cues and trust their bodies, while parents take the pressure off by offering a variety of nourishing meals that include all types of foods, including dessert.
Offering dessert with dinner fits perfectly within this framework. When dessert is part of the meal, kids can decide how much to eat, without it being treated like a prize for eating their veggies. It removes the need for negotiation and turns dessert into a normal part of the meal, which can help prevent food battles and power struggles at the dinner table.
Food Neutrality: A Key Ingredient
This is where food neutrality plays a key role. Food neutrality means that all foods—regardless of their nutritional content—are morally equal. It’s about refraining from labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” “healthy” or “unhealthy.” When we stop assigning moral value to food, we help kids understand that all foods can be enjoyed without guilt or shame. It creates a calmness around otherwise “exciting” foods, and takes the allure down a notch.
By offering dessert as part of the meal, you’re sending the message that dessert is just another food to enjoy in a relaxed, no-pressure environment. When dessert is no longer the “forbidden fruit,” they can enjoy it alongside their meal without feeling the need to sneak it or overindulge when they finally do get it.
Promoting Positive Relationships with Food
Making dessert part of the meal helps promote a positive, trust-based relationship with food. Instead of focusing on restriction or pushing foods aside, you’re teaching your kids that all foods have a place at the table. This is an important step in helping kids develop a positive relationship with food that lasts a lifetime.
When kids feel that they can enjoy dessert without fear or shame, they’re more likely to develop confidence in their ability to make their own choices and listen to their bodies’ hunger cues. So, if your child wants a few bites of their dessert before dinner, that’s okay. If they only want a tiny portion or save it for later, that’s fine, too. The goal is to allow flexibility and freedom in their choices.
The goal is not to force them to finish everything on their plate or to “earn” their treat, but to trust that they can make the best decisions for themselves. Learn more about how to help your kiddos develop food freedom.
Bottom Line
The key takeaway here is that as parents, we need to shift the way we view dessert. Offering dessert with dinner isn’t about indulgence or “cheating”—it’s about embracing food neutrality and helping kids build trust in their ability to listen to their bodies. It’s about moving away from restrictive food rules and creating a more relaxed, enjoyable mealtime where everyone can feel free to enjoy their food, dessert included!